THE INKWELL SOUL

Category: Uncategorized

  • A Poem: The Quiet Spaces

  • Recognizing Red Flags: A Reflection on Self-Worth and Relationships

    The insidious creep of a toxic relationship often begins not with a bang, but with a whisper – a subtle red flag that we, in our fear of solitude, choose to ignore. It’s a painful truth that many of us find ourselves entangled in unhealthy dynamics because we fail to assert our boundaries early on. We allow disrespect and neglect to fester, driven by a primal fear of losing a companion, no matter how detrimental that companionship may be to our well-being.

    How long do we permit such behaviors to continue? The answer, ultimately, lies within us. There comes a crucial point where we must cultivate healthy boundaries, defining unequivocally how we expect to be treated. This isn’t a responsibility that falls to anyone else; our experience, our peace, and our heartbreak are, in large part, our own to manage.

    For those whose lives have been a constant cycle of “fight or flight”, the distinction between the thrill of new love and the warning signs of danger can become blurred. Red flags and the flutter of butterflies in the stomach can feel indistinguishable, leading us down paths we later regret. It’s a harsh realization that much of our heartbreak is self-inflicted, born from a misguided belief that if we pour enough of ourselves into another person, they will transform into the partner we desperately desire.

    Yet, the red flags aren’t always about the other person’s actions alone. Sometimes, the most glaring red flag is the one we wave ourselves – the moment we begin to lie to ourselves about who they truly are. This self-deception, fueled by the agonizing prospect of loss, is the most critical warning sign to heed. It’s not about being colorblind to the obvious; it’s about hoping against hope that our perceptions are wrong, that the uncomfortable truth isn’t really true.

    The lesson, learned often through bitter experience, is clear: never ignore the red flags in the beginning. Those initial, dismissed warnings will inevitably become the very reasons the relationship crumbles. Red flags, by their very nature, do not magically transform into green lights. They are stark warnings, and our willingness to acknowledge and act upon them is the true measure of our self-worth and our commitment to a healthy, respectful future.

  • The Weight of My Coin

    I am, indeed, the coin, holding within me the intricate dance of joy and sorrow, of profound connection and devastating absence. My life has been rich with different kinds of love, each right for the season it occupied. I’ve known partnership and companionship in marriages, and I honor those experiences and the unique love they brought into my life.

    In 2006, one side of my coin shimmered with an unbearable brightness: the discovery of my soulmate. This was a love so deep, so profound, it surely felt like destiny – a connection unlike any I had known. Those two years of marriage, though tragically brief, imprinted an experience of love that many only dream of. That was the blessing, the side of the coin etched with an exquisite beauty.

    Then, in 2009, the coin flipped with a force that shattered my world. The other side revealed itself, stark

    and brutal – the sudden, unthinkable loss that stripped away not just my husband, but a piece of my very being. That was the suffering, the profound grief that lingered long after the immediate shock faded. I bore witness to life’s capacity for both immeasurable gift and excruciating theft, all within the span of a few years.

    Now, as I navigate the dating world, a cancer survivor with the ghost of a potential recurrence whispering in the background, I feel the weight of that same coin in a new, acutely personal way. I carry the memory of that extraordinary love, a testament to my capacity for deep connection. This is the enduring strength, the resilience, the understanding of what truly profound intimacy feels like.

    Yet, alongside this richness, there’s the palpable fear of history repeating itself, not just for me, but for those I might allow into my heart. I’ve lived through the agony of losing the love of my life, and that pain was unbearable. The thought of inviting someone new into my world, only for them to potentially experience that same devastating loss if my cancer were to return and take me…. it’s a burden I honestly struggle with. How can I ask someone to risk that kind of heartbreak? How can I knowingly put them through the watching, the hoping, the ultimate grief, when I know precisely how soul-crushing that experience is? It’s a deeply protective instinct, this reluctance to inflict potential pain on another, especially when I’ve felt its full force myself.

    And yet, despite this overwhelming concern, I still yearn for it – that profound, all-consuming love again. The blessing of experiencing it once has shown me what’s possible, what truly enriches life. This isn’t a simple “two sides” scenario; it’s a dynamic, ever-present reality. My coin spins, sometimes showing the vibrant imprint of love found, sometimes the stark emptiness of love lost, and now, the profound vulnerability of daring to love again while acknowledging life’s inherent fragility. I am holding both sides of that coin, longing for connection while grappling with the very real cost it might exact on the heart of another.

  • Mornings

    I enjoy early mornings. The fact that I was given another day to live is always a blessing. My mornings are a time where I reflect on my life’s experiences. Memories play out in my mind. As I sip my coffee I enjoy its bold flavor…warming me as it travels down to my stomach. The kitties come over to me to say good morning, one by one. A smile crosses my lips… so soft… such innocent little creatures. My ears perk up as I hear the dog sleeping under the table next to me. He has the cutest little snore. The birds are happily chirping outside… building nests, feeding babies and gossiping I am sure! I breathe. Just being in the moment is a blessing. As I take it all in, a little smile crosses my face. My shoulders relax and I … just … am. This is peace. This is hope. This is love.

    Mornings Embrace The quiet arrives with the dawn, another day, a whispered gift, I settle, coffee’s dark richness a warmth spreading inside. Memories unfold, a gentle film of a life lived, played out in the soft light. One by one, cats greet the new day, their small bodies brushing mine, innocence in their purrs, a smile blossoming on my face. Beneath the table, a soft, rhythmic snore from the dog, a comforting hum. Outside, the birds begin their chorus – chirping, building, nurturing, their secrets carried on the breeze. A deep breath in, a quiet exhale. Just in the moment. This stillness. Shoulders release their hold. A simple being. This is peace. This is hope. This is love.

  • The Quiet Compass: Trusting Your Inner Wisdom

    In the bustling theater of life, where countless voices clamor for our attention, there exists a profound and often overlooked guide within each of us: intuition. It’s not a booming command or a reasoned argument; it’s a soft whisper, a gentle nudge, a knowing that doesn’t need to explain itself. Intuition simply points the way, guiding us toward the paths that truly resonate with our authentic selves.

    Think of it as your own personal, internal compass. While our rational minds meticulously map out pros and cons, carefully weighing explicit information and logical steps, intuition operates from a deeper well. It draws upon a rich tapestry of emotions, gut feeling, and an understanding that transcends the limits of what we can consciously articulate. It’s that sudden flash of insight, the feeling in your stomach, or the sense of “just knowing” that something is right (or wrong) even when you can’t quite explain why.

    To truly tap into this inherent wisdom, we must first quiet the cacophony of the external world. In our fast-paced lives, filled with endless distractions and demands, our intuition can easily be drowned out. This is where the power of reflection, meditation, or engaging in activities that bring you a sense of calm becomes invaluable. Whether its a quiet walk in nature, journaling, deep breathing exercises, or simply sitting in silence, these practices create the space for those subtle whispers to rise to the surface.

    When you learn to listen, you’ll find that intuition doesn’t offer lengthy explanations or detailed instructions. It provides direction, a sense of alignment that feels intrinsically correct. It’s a feeling of rightness that resonates deep within your core.

    In a world that often prioritizes data and deliberate thought, trusting your intuition can feel like a leap of faith. But remember, this inner guide is attuned to your truest self, your deepest desires, and your most authentic path. By honoring its gentle suggestions, you unlock a powerful source of wisdom that can lead you to decisions that are not only logical but deeply fulfilling.

    So, take a moment. Breathe. Quiet the noise. What is your intuition trying to tell you today?

  • The Courage to Live (Even When It Hurts)

    There’s a whisper we often tell ourselves, a comforting lie that keeps us tethered to the familiar, even if it’s not serving us. “I’ll do it when I feel better. I’ll step out when the anxiety fades. I’ll chase that adventure once the sadness lifts.” It’s a promise we make to ourselves, a deferred dream, often rooted in the very human desire to avoid discomfort.

    But what if that promise is actually a trap?

    I read a quote today that hit me like a splash of cold, clear water: “Hard truth: If you wait until you feel ‘better’ to start living, you might be waiting forever. Go live your life. Do it sad. Do it anxious. Do it uncertain. Because healing doesn’t always come before the experience. Sometimes, the experience is what heals you.”

    That last line. Sometimes, the experience is what heals you. It resonates so deeply, especially when the urge to retreat feels overwhelmingly strong. We tell ourselves we’re “not ready” – not ready for the vulnerability of new romance, not ready for the exhilarating unknown of a grand adventure, not ready for the awkwardness of trying something entirely new. And if we keep saying “not ready” where does that leave us? Stuck. Standing still. Watching life pass us by from the sidelines, waiting for a feeling that may never arrive on it’s own.

    The truth is, life doesn’t pause for our emotional readiness. Healing isn’t a prerequisite for living; it’s often a consequence of it. It’s in the messy, imperfect moments of putting ourselves out there – the nervous first date, the solo trip taken with a knot in your stomach, the awkward attempt at a new hobby – that transformation truly begins. It’s in facing those fears, however small, that we discover resilience we didn’t know we possessed.

    So, perhaps it’s time to re-frame “ready”. Maybe being ready isn’t about feeling perfectly calm, perfectly confident, or perfectly healed. Maybe being ready is simply deciding to show up, fully and imperfectly, in the messy beautiful unfolding of life. To do it scared. To do it with shaky hands and a pounding heart. Because the greatest healing might just be waiting for us on the other side of that leap.

  • My Peace, My Power

    There’s a profound strength that blossoms when you finally shed the old skin of fear. For too long, the specters of rejection and abandonment loomed, dictating choices and whispering doubts. But those days are gone. The truth I’ve embraced is that it’s dangerous to be healed – dangerous in the most liberating way possible. It means no longer tolerating what dims my light, no longer shrinking to fit someone else’s expectations.

    My boundaries aren’t walls; they are guardians. They protect the precious inner sanctuary I’ve so painstakingly built. This isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about honoring myself. I now understand, with unwavering certainty, that I have complete control over my own peace. It’s not a gift granted by others, nor something that can be taken away. It’s an internal wellspring, carefully cultivated.

    This clarity has redefined my relationships. My solitude isn’t a void to be filled, but a cherished space where my peace thrives. So, if you wish to enter my world, know this: your presence has to be better than my solitude. My peace isn’t competing with another person for your attention or affection. It is, in fact, your competition. It’s the standard. It’s the quiet strength that now governs my choices, ensuring that every connection I forge truly adds to the rich tapestry of my tranquil life.

  • My Three-Page Man-ifesto: Universe, You’ve Been Served

    Here I am, 53 years young and back in the dating rodeo. Widowhood, and divorced – let’s just say my heart’s been through the wringer. But you know what? I’ve learned a thing or two. Mostly, I’ve learned that this time around, I’m not settling for luke-warm coffee and half-hearted efforts. Nope. This next chapter? It’s gotta be filled with genuine happiness.

    So, I dove headfirst into this whole manifesting thing, inspired by Delores Cannon. She says, if it doesn’t hurt anyone else, the universe is your oyster. Well, my oyster is apparently three college-ruled pages long and detailing the man I want to walk into my life. I left NOTHING out. Every quirk, every must-have.

    And let me tell you, this fella I’ve conjured up in my mind? He’s something else. Not some polished city slicker, mind you. Think more… strong leather and calloused hands. He’s the kind of man who knows his way around a toolbox and probably owns a flannel, plaid and t-shirt collection that could rival a small store. There’s a quiet strength about him, a man who’s comfortable in his own skin, rumbling laugh that makes you feel grounded, and his eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles – a genuine, honest smile.

    He appreciates the simple things – a good cup of coffee in the morning, the quiet of nature, a well-worn book. He’s not afraid of hard work, and there’s a steadiness to him that just feels… right. He’s smart, witty and intelligent. He’s the kind of man who can build a fire in the pouring rain and still manage to say something that makes me snort-laugh. And yes, I even detailed his handshake – firm, warm, like coming home.

    Following Delores’s instructions, I’m living as if he’s already here. I catch myself smiling at an empty chair, imagining him sitting there, telling me about his day. I feel the warmth of his hand in mine when I’m out for a walk. It’s almost like he’s a phantom limb, a comforting presence just out of reach.

    Now, the burning question, the one that makes me glance at every pickup truck that rumbles down the road: when does this rugged, flannel-clad dream boat show up on my doorstep?

    Honestly, if the universe had a delivery schedule, I’d have circled the date on my calendar with a big, glittery heart. But it doesn’t work that way, does it? It’s more like waiting for that perfectly aged whiskey – it takes time, and you just have to trust the process.

    So, while my mental image of this man is so vivid I could probably pick him out in a crowd of lumberjacks, I’m also living my life. I’m enjoying my friends, my family, my hobbies, and the quiet satisfaction of knowing I’m worth a love that feels solid and true.

    This amazing man I’ve manifested? He’s out there. The universe has my detailed blueprint. Now, it’s just a matter of time. And while I wait, I’ll keep my porch light on, just in case he happens to have a slightly unreliable GPS and ends up in HooVille a little sooner than expected. A woman deserves to be happy, especially a woman who knows exactly what kind of happiness she’s manifesting – right down to the scent of his aftershave and the comfortable silence they share while watching the sunset. Bring it on, universe. I’m ready.

  • My Journey to Peace: Rewiring My Life

    Life has a way of presenting us with detours, some unexpected and challenging. For me, the journey truly began with cancer, a word that reshaped my world and forced me to confront not just my physical health, but every corner of my being. It was an all-encompassing upheaval, a moment that demanded a complete re-evaluation of my life.

    In the aftermath, I knew I couldn’t go back to who I was. I embarked on a profound journey of change, starting with my attitude towards life itself. I began to consciously shift my perspective, even towards those I struggled to get along with. More importantly, I started to heal my feelings about myself, mending the fractured pieces left behind by illness. It’s been an all-around adjustment, a constant effort to recalibrate my internal compass.

    This journey has been about discovering peace and tranquility. I’m learning the profound power of being present, of truly being in the moment, and actively seeking ways to lower the stresses that once dominated my days. It hasn’t been easy, but the results are undeniable.

    The emotional, mental, and even physical changes are starting to blossom in my life. It’s like my very being is undergoing a powerful rewiring. I’m seeing the tangible results of this internal work, and it’s incredibly validating.

    Of course, the old habits don’t vanish overnight. I still have moments where I find myself slipping back, where old patterns of thought or reaction try to resurface. But the most significant shift is this: I catch myself now, and much sooner than I ever used to. That awareness is my greatest tool. I understand now, with crystal clarity, that my thoughts control my feelings, which in turn control my behavior. This understanding has been a revelation.

    My daily striving is to keep my vibration high, to ensure my thoughts are consistently surrounded by love and light. It’s a conscious choice, a commitment to nurturing the profound transformation that is unfolding within me. This journey isn’t just about recovering; its about becoming more whole, more peaceful, and more aligned with the person I am meant to be.

  • A Poem: Unarmored

    Don’t hold back, love, let me catch you now. Let yourself be seen, the messy, real somehow. No need to armor up, no need to brace and hold, just open up your heart, let your true story unfold.

    You don’t need to pretend that everything’s alright. No need to fake a smile, or stand alone in the night. Just ask me to hold you, when the shadows start to creep. That’s strength in its purest form, secrets you can’t keep.

    I’m not interested in the version, polished and so fine. I want the entire truth, every thought that’s truly thine. Being caught, my darling, is the bravest thing you’ll do. And letting me see your fall? That’s everything, through and through.