Tag: #loss

  • The Loss of Gravity

    We rarely spend our days thinking about the invisible force keeping our feet pressed to the earth. Gravity is the silent, faithful companion of our existence, holding the oceans in their basins, wrapping the atmosphere gently around the globe, and anchoring us to the dirt beneath our boots. It is so constant that we only contemplate its presence when we are forced to imagine its absence. To lose gravity, even for a few terrifying seconds, would mean the immediate scattering of everything we know. The atmosphere would drift into the quiet vacuum of space, the waters would rise in disorienting, floating giants, and the very ground beneath us would begin to fracture and pull apart.

    There is a striking parallel between this physical catastrophe and the emotional wreckage of deep grief or pain. In life, we build our own personal gravity out of routines, the people and pets we love, the homes we cultivate, and the quiet expectations we hold for tomorrow. These are the anchors that keep us stable, allowing us to walk through the world with a sense of security. But when a sudden loss, a heartbreak, or a profound disappointment strikes, it feels as though the emotional physics of our universe have instantly shattered. In a single, breathless moment, our gravity is switched off, and we are thrown into a terrifying state of weightlessness.

    This emotional weightlessness is one of the most disorienting sensations a human can endure. Suddenly, up and down lose all meaning, and the ground you trusted to support you simply vanishes. You look around and see the rest of the world moving about their day, firmly pinned to their normal routines, while you feel completely untethered, drifting further and further into a cold, quiet void. It is a lonely, floating isolation where you are physically present but entirely disconnected from the rhythm of life going on around you.

    Just as a physical loss of gravity would cause the earth to pull apart, internal pain makes us feel as though we are physically fracturing. Without that stabilizing pressure keeping us together, our thoughts, our identity, and our emotions seem to scatter in a million different directions. It becomes difficult to breathe, as if the very air has been swept out of reach. We gasp for bearings in a space that suddenly feels entirely empty, wondering how we will ever gather the pieces of ourselves back into a cohesive whole.

    Healing from this kind of pain is not a matter of simply snapping our fingers to turn the old gravity back on. The old anchor is gone, and we cannot force the universe to return to the way it was. Instead, surviving the weightlessness requires a slow, quiet process of gathering new mass. We start by clinging to the smallest, heaviest things we can find – the warmth of a morning cup of coffee, the steady rhythm of a long walk, the tactile comfort of working with our hands, or the quiet presence of those who love us.

    Slowly, these tiny moments of survival begin to accumulate. They gather weight, creating their own small, gentle pull. Over time, these fragments of beauty and routine build a brand-new gravity. It will not look like the old landscape, and we will always carry the memory of the time we drifted in the dark, but eventually, the scattering stops. The pieces settle, the air returns to our lungs, and we find ourselves standing, once again, on solid ground.

  • The Weight of My Coin

    I am, indeed, the coin, holding within me the intricate dance of joy and sorrow, of profound connection and devastating absence. My life has been rich with different kinds of love, each right for the season it occupied. I’ve known partnership and companionship in marriages, and I honor those experiences and the unique love they brought into my life.

    In 2006, one side of my coin shimmered with an unbearable brightness: the discovery of my soulmate. This was a love so deep, so profound, it surely felt like destiny – a connection unlike any I had known. Those two years of marriage, though tragically brief, imprinted an experience of love that many only dream of. That was the blessing, the side of the coin etched with an exquisite beauty.

    Then, in 2009, the coin flipped with a force that shattered my world. The other side revealed itself, stark

    and brutal – the sudden, unthinkable loss that stripped away not just my husband, but a piece of my very being. That was the suffering, the profound grief that lingered long after the immediate shock faded. I bore witness to life’s capacity for both immeasurable gift and excruciating theft, all within the span of a few years.

    Now, as I navigate the dating world, a cancer survivor with the ghost of a potential recurrence whispering in the background, I feel the weight of that same coin in a new, acutely personal way. I carry the memory of that extraordinary love, a testament to my capacity for deep connection. This is the enduring strength, the resilience, the understanding of what truly profound intimacy feels like.

    Yet, alongside this richness, there’s the palpable fear of history repeating itself, not just for me, but for those I might allow into my heart. I’ve lived through the agony of losing the love of my life, and that pain was unbearable. The thought of inviting someone new into my world, only for them to potentially experience that same devastating loss if my cancer were to return and take me…. it’s a burden I honestly struggle with. How can I ask someone to risk that kind of heartbreak? How can I knowingly put them through the watching, the hoping, the ultimate grief, when I know precisely how soul-crushing that experience is? It’s a deeply protective instinct, this reluctance to inflict potential pain on another, especially when I’ve felt its full force myself.

    And yet, despite this overwhelming concern, I still yearn for it – that profound, all-consuming love again. The blessing of experiencing it once has shown me what’s possible, what truly enriches life. This isn’t a simple “two sides” scenario; it’s a dynamic, ever-present reality. My coin spins, sometimes showing the vibrant imprint of love found, sometimes the stark emptiness of love lost, and now, the profound vulnerability of daring to love again while acknowledging life’s inherent fragility. I am holding both sides of that coin, longing for connection while grappling with the very real cost it might exact on the heart of another.